Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
