I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
