the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
