I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
