how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
