We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
