I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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