The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
