Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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