I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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