All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
