Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
