I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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