totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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