Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
