OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
