1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
