I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
