I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
