They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
