Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
