not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
