just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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