OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
