I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I party with great urgency now.
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