if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Randomize
