I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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