This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
