Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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