Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she peed on how many people?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
