at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
