Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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