everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
