I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
