there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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