I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
