I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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