my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
