so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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