I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
