Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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