oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
