She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you inspire me to be a worse person
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
