So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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