Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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