when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
