My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
