I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
