I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
