we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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