I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
