i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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