DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
