Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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