I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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