It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
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I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize