She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
