Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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