i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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