You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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